I’m not here to tell you how to get into a relationship. There are lots of articles out there, lots of books, lots of friends who can hook you up with just about anyone with a few smiles, well-placed texts, and a change to your cologne game.
I’m here to tell you how to get into an outrageously good relationship. Period.
And why am I qualified to tell you this? I’m qualified to write it because I have been in chronically unhappy, empty or even blasé relationships and then…I completely transformed it. Analytically, through deep thought, observation, practice, assessment and [being stubborn] determination.
Whether this means anything to you, well, that’s your path, not mine. But if you choose to integrate anything I have to say, know that this is something I’ve done that has successfully brought me happier and happier relationships until—finally—I figured out how to get the “zinger.” The mother-load, the total contentment. If not, hey, maybe you know more than me about this, maybe this just isn’t for you. That’s cool.
I can’t tell you everything you need to know in one article. I also don’t know everything and am an on journey myself. This is why we at Wiki Lerner are endeavoring to bring you a slew of them. Articles aimed at Total No Holds Barred F****in Happiness. In the love department. In the life department. In the love-life department.
Without further ado…
At The Core
I want you to rethink your Emotional Connection game. Whether you’re married, whether you’re single, whether you’re in something long-term, if you’re not totally happy, it needs rethinking. There are many aspects to building a relationship or redesigning your whole interior. But if there’s one thing I really need you to think about, it’s emotional connection.
Growing up, I saw a lot of marriages and people who were highly committed to those marriages. They went to church, they went to marriage retreats, they had family photos taken together.
Over half of them divorced.
Truth be told, there wasn’t a single one of those marriages that made me think “Awww, I want a marriage just like theres.”
Then, I hit high school and everyone was dating. Friends matched up with friends. I found myself matched up. I loved the idea of being with someone. I enjoyed not being alone. But if I were honest, which I was, there wasn’t a single one of those relationships that I saw that I wanted to have. Including my own.
I mean, it’s sort of like sex: sex is good, but great sex is great. And if you were no longer afraid of not getting any sex—if it were always an option, which would you choose? Good sex or Great sex? Nice sex or Amazing sex?
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I saw a relationship that I actually coveted. They were, and still are, friends of mine. I was married when I met them and we would get together frequently for dinner. It was clear when we gabbed and hung out around the table who had the better marriage. I don’t think they noticed, though, they were too busy being happy.
All Sexes Welcome
I promise you this, no matter how much you ignore what I have to say in the future, if you get your head thoroughly wrapped around Emotional Connection (hereafter sometimes referred to as the EC) you will draw out totally different results from ANY of your relationships.
There are thousands of annoying articles all over the internet with annoying titles “Make HIM Want You!”, “Make HER Want You!” etc. etc. want want want. Actually, some of those articles are pretty damn good. My biggest issue with them is that they get hung up on something called desire. If you try a few of the steps, you may end up with better results. But the key to the EC is not desire. Desire is a natural product of it. <— I have a little problem with that word: desire, but we’ll get to that some other time.
Make people “want” you, and you’re just leasing the land, my friend. Get the EC right, and you own the whole vineyard.
Tim Lerner, the maven behind WikiLerner, asked me to start a column on Male-Female relationships. I sort of struggled with that because what I’ve learned is that, while there ARE things that each sex has to master in order to max out happiness and Stop F***in Things Up; happiness and Emotional Connection apply to BOTH sexes and most of the work is the same.
Emotional Connection applies to your business relationships, it applies to your parental relationships, it applies to your friendships, and to you talking that person at Chipotle into giving you extra guacamole. Trust me, I know. The thing I DID go to school for? Marketing. And High Powered Marketing revolves around EC.
Testify. Maybe I’ll do a few articles on that another time.
The First Steps
The first thing I learned how to do, to manage my connections with men I dated, was to stop seeing them as men. Weird, huh? In our culture where women are sometimes violently objectified without anyone batting an eye, we’re more aware of the need to deprogram people to see women as People and not…well…T & A.
We don’t discuss as much the need to do the same thing about men. We don’t discuss *as much* how we objectify men and how it leads to major let downs on both our parts. We don’t discuss how we objectify our partners, whether they’re of the opposite sex or not.
Why do our friendships work? Because they are with People first, and they Roles They Play are an evolution of that.
Emotional Connection is not a mystery. It’s very simple and it works like anything that uses a conduit: plumbing, electricity. Like plumbing and your lights, it’s the thing we think least about until they aren’t working.
Even if you’re very good at managing EC, you can always become better. It’s like a marathon runner; in the past they may have run a full 26.2 miles, but the only way you stay a marathon runner is to keep running. EC is a moving target. There are things that block your view, that disrupt the current. You’re gonna have to be a hunter, my friend.
EC makes the sex amazing, makes the talks sweeter, makes the nest more serene and it is the most important thing you can master to going from Zero to Out Of This World.
The first step to super charging your relationships is to recognize you have limiting, clogging assumptions, and that you Objectify.
Well, that’s all the time and space I’ve got for this for now. Stay tuned. Our next little chat session is going to cut right into that number one culprit gunking up the EC and crank up the power.